Phineas Phat

There once was a man named Phineas Phat

Who believed he could get much fatter than that.

So, in order to test his great girth,

He decided to eat everything on the earth.

He started off quite simply, with things you could name

Like fruits and vegetables and even wild game.

But he also ate cakes and pies of every size and candy of every color.

He had licorice whips and spare beef tips and little swans made out of butter.

He had potatoes and tomatoes and strawberries as well.

He ate mushrooms and chocolate and alligator tails.

He gobbled up hams and yams and chicken pot pie.

He ate a moose and a goose between two slices of rye.

Of course, he ate pizzas, hamburgers, tacos, and chips

Watermelons, bananas, and spicy cheese dip,

But also thirty heads of lettuce, forty ears of corn

And a whole herd of bison…even the horns.

Finally, he had one bowl of soup and two legs from a frog

And he washed it all down with several barrels of grog.

Mr. Phat was quite big now and you might think he was done

But Phineas Phat was only starting to have fun.

He started to consume things that most people just don’t eat

Like trees and grass and even main street.

He munched on the buildings that were just standing around.

He then scooped up the minerals that were just in the ground.

He ate bicycles and tricycles and trampolines as well.

He ate newspapers and magazines and the first class mail.

He had cars and trucks and football fields

Trains and planes and paper mills.

Phineas chewed up the monuments that made the whole world proud

Then he turned his eye to the sky where he sucked down the clouds.

Mister Phineas was so big now that –with the greatest of ease-

He bent down and drank up each one of the seven seas.

Now, only the mountains were left and the valleys were next.

But as to what would come after, he was really quite perplexed.

There was nothing to eat now -not in the near or the far.

But that’s when he looked up and spied the twinkling of a star.

He then scarfed down the planets; numbers one through eight.

Our sun was quite spicy but the moon tasted great.

Phineas slurped up the nebulas that floated in space.

He gobbled up the stars that lit up the place.

He ate black holes and comets and asteroid belts.

But not quite satisfied was just how he felt.

Therefore, he figured all he needed was desert.

And so he decided to finish off the universe.

And that, my friends, is how Phineas Phat

Grew to a size much, much, much, much fatter than that.

THE END